omg,
FREAKKKK !

LG phones can't save msges!
not that i know of.
UGHHH.
so annoying !
-
so yesterday was probabaly the worst day of my life.
i still don't get it.
what's that girl doing in villa marina?
i guess god just wanted me to know.
ahh, i'm so glad i walked out earlier than i should,
or i would not have seen them walking together.

i felt so cheated.
i've never ever felt so cheated before.
i called ngiam and she decided to make her way down.
and i called serene,
& finally couldn't take it anymore.
i just couldnt stop myself from *.

w* called,
then i acted pretty normal.
and then he asked.
" are you angry? "
"no im not "
"she's just a friend you know "
hello?!
did i say she's not?
so, is he feeling guilty?
yes.

he begged me to meet him at the pool,
so i went.

he kept asking me what's wrong.
& i said nothing.
what can i tell him ?
who am i to tell him?

& when he kept trying to get my hands,
i rejected and pulled back.
i feel cheated already,
why should i play with his hands like i use to?

i felt like crying again,
i felt so bad.
i felt so distant from him though he was just infronta me.
i felt like there's a barrier between us now.

& i finally told w* everything.
everything that i've been feeling all these while.
i told his i didn't know what i am to him and all.
and this wa shis reply.

"sometimes i just want to tell u to be my life pathner/gf.. but yet i cant. rmb i say good things are worth waiting for? i feel stress too making you feel we're close yet we're not. im sorry if i make you feel lost. i do care abt you alot and i want to apologise. i want to be in ya life for long. not try things and risk screwing them up. "

i felt a stab.
i felt like i've said the wrong thing.
but then again,
i felt his sincerity.
that wasnt the only thing he said,
but yeah,
that was probably one of the more impt ones.

but no, im not gonna give in this time.
i can't just take it that nothing is wrong like i always do.
this time,
it's not the same.

i still wanna know,
what is she doing at his place?
wasn't his suppsoe to meet me?
i waited and waited.
and when he finally called after 2 hours,
i saw him with someone else.

stab.

i felt so shit that the first thing i wanted to do was to walk back home and tear the things in that box up.
i wanted to throw the cranes out of the window,
tear the album up.
but then again,
i couldnt bear to do it.

why do so much for him when im always feeling so lost?
& when im alwaysfeeling uncertain?

a woman's intuiation[?] is always right.
i can trust myself on that.

i know what im thinking and feeling now is right.

thank you to those who were there.
ngiam, rene, jaz, marr, wong, kiang, el.
& surprise surprise.
mr tour guide talked to me yesterday at like 1 in the morning.
that sorta put my mind off some stuff.
thankyou for just talking [:

i miss him so bad now.
& what makes it worse,
i have a paper tmr and i'm sick.
fuck.

11:08 AM

come what may.